Wrong Way
Navigating Change Part 5
I worked hard on the application. Each question thoughtfully considered. Each answer carefully crafted. But still I hesitated to hit the computer key that would send my appeal through mysterious cyber channels to the decision maker on the other end.
When I first read about the opportunity, I cried. It seemed exactly what I needed and never realized existed. It sounded like what I hadn't dared to hope for. It offered community, progress, and maybe even the realization of a long-buried dream. But it clearly lay beyond my ability.
Immediately following the excitement of discovery, came the panic. Fears I thought I had left behind years ago resurfaced, fresh and vigorous. Old insecurities, old apprehensions gripped me in a new way. This would force a reckoning that I had invariably been able to push into the future. There was always justification (mostly valid) for not facing the possibility. Now, I would no longer have an excuse to fail to try. But I might find I failed to accomplish. And that terrified me.
I moved forward in faith and took the risk only to find the outcome wasn't what I expected.
Photo by Larimar Lens
Despite my trepidation, I knew I needed to consider this. I waffled a while. Prayed a lot. Talked it over with Brad. Compared it to some other possibilities, and considered the weight of the commitment.
Finally Brad and I concluded that this opportunity had God's fingerprints all over it. He was inviting me to a new venture in this new season. I mustered a mustard seed size faith and sent that application. I would be stretched and challenged far beyond my capabilities and comfort. But God would be there, enabling me each step of the way.
I had no doubt I would be accepted into the program.
Only I wasn't.
Much of life requires navigating without knowing for sure.
I was wrong. It's happened before and will again.
I read the rejection letter in disbelief. Not because I thought I was too good to be turned down, but because I thought it was so obviously God choreographing the whole thing.
I was wrong. It's happened before and will again. I moved forward in faith and took the risk only to find the outcome wasn't what I expected. I wasn't sure whether to feel sheepish or relieved, so I went with a little of both. Along with a good dose of confusion.
If this wasn't the next step, what was? Was God orchestrating something here or was I just trying to be the conductor of my own misguided symphony? Should I look for an alternate route headed to the same place or simply sit a while and wait? When I'm wrong and it's not a moral issue, what's my next move? Often my first impulse is to take a U turn and head in the opposite direction. But that might not be the best course.
God is big enough to communicate with His children and help us understand His direction.
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6).
At the risk of being redundant, I Process, Surrender, Be Faithful, and Pay Attention. I rehearse how I think God led. Double-check my motive. I go to the only One Who can make sense of the situation and lay it all out before Him, surrendering to His good refusal. Then I wait, being faithful to do what I know to do, and watch.
No one enjoys being wrong. But much of life requires navigating without knowing for sure. I used to agonize over decisions. What if I missed God's best? What if He was leading and I didn't get it? I was anxiously pursuing His answers as if it all rested on me. God graciously helped me realize that it didn't depend upon me and my perfect ability to hear and interpret. He is big enough to communicate with His children and help us understand His direction. That truth liberated me to pursue Him above His answers and rest in His goodness toward me. I still don't like making big decisions, but I am free to move forward in confidence rather than staying stalled in uncertainty.
Our walk with the Lord is similar to a dance. We long to glide along with Him, following His lead, focusing on His face instead of our clumsy feet. Sometimes we misstep. But there is no need to panic. We are still being held in His sure arms.
As we embrace this dance of faith, we are constantly seeking Him and responding, listening and adjusting. We don't know exactly what's next, but we can be confident that God is able to move surrendered servants where He wants us. Despite our mistakes, fears, and failures, He is accomplishing His good pleasure. "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). He faithfully sets our feet in the right place.
We can relax and enjoy the dance.
